Bring It
by Writer's Excuse
Summary: Naruto never thought he'd see the day where he'd be caught in the middle of an Uchiha warfare. Itachi never thought his little brother would rebel against him. And Sasuke, well, he never thought he'd actually like Nutella and has many plans of spreading the chocolatey goodness all over his dobe. Hilarity ensues. SasuNaru, one-sided!ItaSasu, OOC, crazy!Itachi, and Nutella..sex?
1. Bitch, it's on!

**A/N: **YOLO! So I had this plot bunny for a long time, and just so you know, this is my first time at writing a SasuNaru piece. It'll be in omniscient point of view, so beware of wild character surfing. Although, I like to just stick to very few characters' points of view. This won't be a long fiction as it's experimental. Gotta see if I have a hand for writing fiction in the first place. So look forward to it being done in ten chapters or less. Before hand, I apologize for the craziness and the OOC-ishness of the characters, but it's complete humor wrapped in a romantic ribbon. I can't handle angst very well, and in order to perform these humorous acts within the story, the characters have to be molded a little.

Anyways, I hope enjoy this chapter as much as I did writing it. I edited it as best as I could so if you find mistakes, let me know cause ya know, editing yourself could never amount as to letting some else see the flaws of your work. At last, ciao y'all, and please review when you can't scroll anymore!

**Disclaimer: I do not own or claim any of the characters in this story. All rights reserved, copyright, trademark, etc., to Masashi Kisihimoto and his creative genius. Arigatou gozaimasu.**

* * *

Chapter One: Bitch, it's on!

There were only two words to effectively describe that moment in time. And Kisame had clearly stated what had been on everyone's mind on the 96th floor of the Uchiha Corp. building.

"Oh…shit."

Kisame nearly busted a disc in his spine when he bolted out of his private office. Workers had already scrambled in earnest to make it to the elevators in time. Papers were strewn all over the floor and the horrid screams of those already caught in the dead wake of their boss were being echoed all over.

"Oh…shit, oh shit, oh shit, shit, shit!"

Dodging more scampering co-workers, Kisame had rounded the corner of several aisles of cubicles, and finally rooted himself at the scene of the crime.

His boss, what _Spectacular_ magazine had named the sexiest man alive, was trying his best to stuff the hair (of what would have been his new assistant) into a paper shredder. Cowering not a few paces away from him had been brave souls who probably tried and failed to save the poor assistant.

From experience, Kisame was well aware of his boss' short temper, and outright insaneness, but it never ceased to amaze him how crazy the man could get. And most of the time it was over the stupidest things a person could possibly imagine.

"Itachi-san, stop!" Kisame shouted.

Just in time too, as he noticed that his boss successfully jammed the paper shredder with the assistant's hair, and was aiming to turn it on. The frightening man, President of Uchiha Corp., extremely gorgeous as Uchiha Itachi (aka 'The Devil in Disguise'), turned his cool gaze onto Kisame.

It took all of Kisame's nerve not to visibly flinch at the intensity of the gaze. The man wasn't even glaring.

"Kisame, what do you think your doing?" came his smooth voice.

Smiling weakly, Kisame stepped forward, earning some gasps from the cowering workers.

"Just wondering what you were doing?"

Frowning, his boss let go of the assistant, who was too frightened to even squirm or run, and inclined his head.

"Well, you see, Kisame, I was about to punish this girl for her insolence." Itachi said, as if it was an everyday occurrence (which wasn't to far from the truth).

"Might I ask what she did wrong?" Kisame responded.

Itachi let his perfectly shaped eyebrow rise up in response, as if Kisame questioning him had been the most ridiculous thing in the world.

"She got me the wrong nail polish, Kisame." Itachi snapped, eyes hardening, nostrils flaring. "Look!"

He flung the offensive thing towards Kisame and the man barely caught it in time before it met a splattering fate with the floor.

In his hand, Kisame held a red-orange bottle of nail polish. Nervously, Kisame shakily counted with his free hand what day it was.

From the looks of things, it was Wednesday, and that clearly meant on Wednesday, it is always teal. Teal nail polish, teal tie, teal shirts (on occasion), teal sports car being driven, teal colored mug to be used, teal sun glasses, teal case for Itachi's MacBook…

Wednesday was and always would be teal day.

"I am sincerely sorry, Itachi-san, for her insolence. Why don't you just fire her? That's what you usually do."

Itachi snorted while turning back to his tormented victim.

"I can't fire her because she is a temp until Nagato returns from visiting his sick mother. Until then, he has f-for…"

"_While I am gone, you are forbidden from firing workers left and right unless they do something that could harm the _company,_ not _your _personal life issues," came Nagato's cold and commanding voice._

Kisame definitely picked up on where his boss trailed off. In all his years, Kisame never met anyone who could contend with the likes of Uchiha Itachi save for his baby brother, and his assistant, 'Mr. Can-Do-Anything', Uzumaki Nagato.

"Of course, how about I take it from here then, Itachi-san. You don't want to have to dirty your hands, and—"

Snapping a glance at his watch, Kisame couldn't help but secretly smile.

"—You wouldn't want to miss your lunch-date with Sasuke-san now would you?"

The moment Kisame mentioned Uchiha Itachi's baby brother's name, the maniacal boss whirled on him, his face (still not showing a inch of emotion) brightened (think of pale becoming paler).

"Why yes, I do have a lunch-date…"

"Oh, and look at the time. Alright, Kisame I expect you to punish her thoroughly, I better not see her come tomorrow morning with the same amount of hair on her head." Itachi said briskly before turning on his heel and heading back into his office.

With a sigh of relief, Kisame began motioning co-workers that were peering behind and above their cubicles (having been watching the scene intently) to return to their duties.

"Oh my kawaii little otouto, aniki will be with you soon." Itachi muttered when he came back out of the office, pulling his blazer on, and suitcase in hand.

He started walking, barely giving the still female assistant a glance, and aimed for the elevators.

"Kisame," Itachi said, suddenly pausing mid-step.

Kisame paled slightly, and acknowledge his boss with a faint yes. It was then that Itachi gave him an squinty look, before shaking his head.

"Never mind, I will see you tomorrow morning. I intend to take the rest of the day off today and spend it with my precious baby. And…tell someone to clean this mess up. There are papers, trash, and some hysteric looking employees everywhere. I don't run a zoo here."

"Yes sir," Kisame said before watching the retreating back of his boss.

In all honesty, Hoshigaki Kisame could never truly fathom why he chose to work under this man. Then again, he'd remind himself that apart from all the other jobs (that probably had less stressful bosses) they'd never pay him as good as he's paid here.

After all, he knew Itachi far longer than anyone could imagine.

* * *

"What do you think of this, koi?" Itachi said excitedly as he bended his newspaper and showed an article he had been reading.

Uchiha Sasuke, the precious, most beloved baby brother of Uchiha Itachi, didn't bother to chance the older man with a glance. Opting to continue texting on his slick iPhone. Every now and then a smirk would grace his handsome features when his phone tinged, notifying him of another message.

Pouting because he received no response, Itachi slid the paper onto Sasuke's plate. He then used his foot to 'rubba-dub-dub' up Sasuke's leg causing said male to jerk in his seat.

"Fuck," Sasuke cussed. "Stop doing that shit, Itachi—"

"Aniki!" Itachi snapped frowning.

Sasuke looked at him with a confused expression, "What?"

Sighing, Itachi slumped in his chair (though it didn't appear so as Uchiha's were genetically incapable of deplorable mannerisms).

"How many times have I told you to call me aniki, or even onii-chan? You used to do it so often when you were younger. And it was so cute! I remember I'd come home from school, and you'd run up to me in your cute little school-boy uniform, and be all sweaty from playing and over exerting yourself, and then you'd be there, waiting for me, and all breathless, moaning to me 'aniki, aniki, I wanna _play—"_

"Shut the fuck up, you sick fuck." Sasuke snapped, his face turned a bright pink, and he was warily looking around, hoping no one heard his brother's lewd soliloquy.

At this, Itachi huffed while reaching for his wine glass.

"A-are y-you fucking mad?" Sasuke continued, enraged. "And this is why I want to move out. You're crazy!"

Itachi did his best to resist the urge to roll his eyes, as that would be the un-Uchiha thing to do. He only smirked instead and leaned forward, elbows propped on the table, taking a small sip from his wine.

"Do you know how cute it is when you blush, my precious?" Itachi husked.

"My little virgin brother…"

With all the agitation in the world, Sasuke groaned before slapping his hand to his face, and slumping in his seat. Unlike his brother, he wasn't averse to displaying deplorable mannerisms (there was an exception in his genetic coding).

"Who the fuck said I was a virgin anyways." Sasuke said, sounding irritable.

He removed his hand from his face but continued to sulk. Itachi, on the other hand, seemed to be going through a mini-seizure.

"Excuse me? What did you say?"

Sasuke looked pointedly at his brother before a wicked smirk graced his face. That's right, his big brother wasn't aware of his exploits and explicit relations with the fine citizens of Konoha, he's brother seemed to have create this delusion that Sasuke was a blossoming, pubescent boy that had yet to have his cherry popped.

"I said, I'm not a virgin," Sasuke cocked his neck upward, his smirk changing into a grin that threatened to eat his face. "I fuck, and I like it."

_Crack_

Well, there went that expensive wine glass, Sasuke thought as he watched runny red wine drip from his brother's hand. The man had a killer aura about him, and suddenly their table was the elephant in the room, with everyone's attention bearing down upon them. And here, Sasuke was hoping to avoid that.

As for Itachi, he was in between the ideas lunging over the table and sexually assaulting his brother, rightfully claiming him and letting everyone know who he belonged to, or finding out the vermin that dare to touch the beauty that was his sweet, delectable baby boy.

However, with some saneness about him, Itachi swallowed in a deep amount of air, flared his nostrils, sought out his happy place, and calmed himself. As tempting as molesting his brother sounded, the idea of his delicious baby brother's bum and other lovely parts being broadcasted (because surely who wouldn't record them in their sexiness) all over the world.

Sasuke was his, and his alone, dammit. As for the vermin, Itachi had his ways of finding out _whom_, _what_, and _where._

"I'm going to pretend that you didn't say anything at all Sasuke. And if you care to continue enjoy the freedom of going to college, and enjoying life, watch your tongue." Itachi said with deadly precision.

Scowling, Sasuke turned his head, so much for having the upper hand. Unfortunately for Sasuke, Itachi's guardianship over him wouldn't end until he was 21, and he was only on the rip age of 19 at the moment.

Thanks to some tinkering, loopholes, and Nagato's mad computer skills, Itachi insured Sasuke couldn't slip from his grasp the moment he turned 18. And it wasn't like Sasuke hadn't thought of running away, but he liked his money (screw it, he was spoiled as hell), and if dealt with right, he knew how to handle and tolerate Itachi's nuttiness.

Having calmed himself down, Itachi opted to change the subject since he obviously made his point clear, and went back to the matter he wanted to share with Sasuke earlier.

Chuckling Itachi reached over with his free hand, and tapped the newspaper that was atop Sasuke's plate.

"Read it, otouto."

Sasuke served his brother with a glare before picking up the newspaper with as little delicacy as possible. Sneering at his brother, Sasuke glanced down at the article on the page.

In bold lettering it read, '**KUMO MAKES HISTORY'**. Sasuke frowned at this, what the hell did Kumo have anything to do with anything?

"Just read, little brother." Itachi said, gaging Sasuke's expressions. He's brother was like an open book.

Resisting the urge to peer over the newspaper and serve his brother a nasty wad of spit (oh, how he hated how demanding his brother could be), he continued to read the article.

Underneath the headlines, Sasuke began to make out a government announcement that caught the public attention of the whole world. From what Sasuke could read so far, it had to do with marriage:

'…_It is an astounding breakthrough; say many of the citizens of Kumo. Much of the elderly citizens, of course, and those neighboring the cloudy country have found it to abhor. As it were, the government of Kumo, after long deliberation and many pushes from the younger generation, has decreed that incest is legal, and that marriage between one's siblings, parent, cousin, etc., whether by blood or by documentation is legally accept—'_

"WHAT THE FUCK?" Sasuke shouted, practically surging out of his seat, face ablaze with incredulousness and flaming red.

Itachi blinked, glancing through his peripheral vision at the servers and customers. Coughing lightly, he leaned further over the table.

"Little brother, manners." He whispered gently.

Sasuke, however, was having none of that. He began to rip the newspaper in to shreds with such maddening speed over his plate. He didn't stop there; he had grabbed the lit candle from the table next to them, startling the couple sitting there, and set the shredded pieces blazing.

Cackling over the burning fire (craziness seemed to run in the family), which led many customers to launch from their seats, screaming and scampering away, Sasuke sneered in Itachi's direction (who was currently pinching the bridge of his noise).

"Who the fuck do you think you are?" Sasuke snarled.

Itachi leaned back in his chair, removing his hand from his face, and finally acknowledging that his other hand was covered in wine, took the clothe that wrapped his silverware, and began to clean his hand.

"Answer me, dammit!"

Itachi sighed; finally he leveling his brother with a cool look.

"You've been mumbling about wanting to move out since you were 18. So, as the wonderful brother I am, I began searching for _us_ a new home. And lo and behold, Kumo has rather beautiful manors available," Itachi began to chuckle at this point before unleashed a rather lecherous look towards his brother. "And now that law has passed, no one can prevent me from binding us eternally. Not only by blood, the fluid of our loins and sex, but by legality as well!"

Shock, and disgust were only the two words Sasuke could even process.

And the worst of this speech, Sasuke acknowledge was that his brother was serious. If he were any lesser of a man, Sasuke would be screaming 'RAPE' at the top of his lungs and running out of the restaurant like a fat kid strapped to a jetpack backpack.

There only two options in this scenario, Sasuke debated mentally.

He could either A) run for his life, find a cop, unleash a bucket load of sexual harassment stories about him and his brother, be a media sensation, and forever live in a cardboard box under the bridge (because Sasuke knew how much Itachi couldn't stand filth, the OCD bastard), or B) take it like a Uchiha, and walk out with his head held high. Then when out of the restaurant, scram like a bitch running' from her pimp daddy.

Swallowing dryly, Sasuke decided option B was the best choice, and slowly edged around his chair and away from the flaming table. Itachi was watching him like a hawk, eyes narrowed and ready to pounce on him like Kanye snatching the mic from Taylor Swift, one little slip and Sasuke would be butt raped and labeled 'Itachi's bitch' for life.

"Well…" Sasuke began, clearing his throat.

Silence egged between the two, Itachi restless with Sasuke's slow reaction, stood up from his chair as well. Sasuke knew it was now or never or he'd be doomed for an eternity (though he may already be).

Thinking quickly, Sasuke darted his eyes to one of the restaurant's windows, and let out a fake squeal and gasp (take heed that Sasuke would never act life that, ever).

"Oh fuck, is that Lady Gaga!"

Itachi frowned at Sasuke, and before he could open his mouth Sasuke began to hop up and down rather uncharacteristically.

"It is fucking Gaga, and she's wearing…teal post-it notes as a dress!" Sasuke said, adding the last part to seal the deal on Itachi's attention.

Itachi's eyes nearly bugged out at the mention of teal, and he swiveled on his heel to look at the window Sasuke was staring at. The moment he did, Sasuke took this prime opportunity and made a mad dash for the door.

Frowning, Itachi glared at the window, eyes scoring the bustling streets to see his favorite music singer. However, his eyes only ended up seizing Sasuke at the window with a smug look on his adorable face.

"Otouto—"

Sasuke smirked widely, and with a voice so loud, screamed, "You'll never suck my dick, bitch!"

With such boldness Itachi didn't realize his brother had, he got a delicious eyeful of Sasuke flashing his beautiful package at him before the boy was running for his life down the streets of Konoha.

For a moment, Itachi couldn't help but gap. Though the distance was obscure, and his baby brother's penis was not fully exposed (as he would have or would not of liked, considering the circumstance), Itachi couldn't help but feel a ripple of excitement run through him.

The last time he got to see his adorable brother's manhood was when the boy was 13, and he had caught him drunk off his ass and swimming nude in their pool.

"Oh," Itachi moaned softly before his own wicked smirk took hold of his handsome face.

By then the restaurant was empty, and for those that did stay they were now scampering away after taking a look at Uchiha Itachi's sinister face.

"It's on, baby brother, it is on. I shall make you thoroughly mine, once and for all." Itachi stated with clarity to the room.

He then tipped his head back and let out a roar of cackling madness. He was never one to back down from a challenge, and little did Sasuke know, he had just initiated one.

* * *

Itachi paced furiously.

Two weeks, two fucking weeks, and Itachi had not seen nor heard from his beloved baby brother. He could be dead in a ditch somewhere and just the thought of it made Itachi's blood run cold.

"Where could he be?" Itachi scowled.

They had tried everything, yet nothing availed. They over exhausted every GPS tracker that Itachi ever bugged on Sasuke. The one in his shoes, the one in his clothes, in his phone, in his car, in his books, in his room, in his credit cards, in his cash, in his socks, in his jewelry, but nothing, NOT A THING came up.

It was like Sasuke vanished out of thin air.

Dissipated.

Disappeared.

Perished.

FUCKING POOFED!

They truly had tried everything, and by meaning _they_, they were Itachi and his two trusty sidekicks Nagato and Kisame.

"What about us, un?" a voice shot back.

Itachi paused in his pacing. Looking around for the source of the voice, Itachi's eyes landed on annoying blonde hair, and dumbass blue eyes. The guy just spoke volumes of idiocy. For a moment, Itachi wondered if the man was alien or not for he had a metal contraption over his left eye. Think back though as to why he even bothered to look upon the pathetic excuse for human scum (there were far prettier human scum), Itachi realized that this _blonde thing_ may have just read his mind, but that was absurd of course.

No one could read Uchiha Itachi's mind, nevertheless, he decided to bless the idiot with an answer. He seemed like one those men that'd have a vagina suddenly if you ignored them for too long.

"Ah, yes, _you…all of you._" Itachi muttered under his breath.

Glaring at all the occupants in his secret HQ, which was not so secret since it was located in the basement of his house.

He had forgotten he had sought aid of the belligerent, bumbling, babbling buffoons* of his old ragtag gang that he scrounged up in high school, Akatsuki. Unfortunately for him, those nincompoops did have some beneficial talents, which was why Itachi even bothered to retain their contact information even after high school.

Disregarding that matter though, Itachi refocused his attention on his missing, possibly a rape or murder victim, baby brother. He could feel his heart hammering in his chest like a ferociously large lion trapped in shoebox cage.

"Oh, my sweet, sweet Sasuke," Itachi moaned as he looked longingly at a blown up picture of Sasuke jerking off on his on the couch in his room.

The picture was screen shot from Itachi's hidden cameras, which had been constructively placed in Sasuke's room.

Itachi nearly died in his board meeting, as it just so happened that day (three years ago) he was in a meeting when he decided it was too unworthy to pay attention to, and decided to check on his kawaii otouto.

And there was Sasuke, in his bedroom, lounging on his couch watching hardcore porn (which Itachi had noted that he'd have to locate the stash and burn it before replacing it with hardcore porn of himself), a hand shoved deep in his boxers, fisting and pulling the cock which Itachi desired to do nothing but suck until it was bone dry.

Sighing, Itachi replayed the memory over and over in his mind. He kept even the video of his otouto masturbating as a special DVD and would watch it at night before he went to bed. It nearly became a religion to do so. And his cute little Sasuke plushie would be the singular audience to his devious acts.

"Itachi-san, I think I found something!" Kisame suddenly exclaimed.

Itachi snapped from his musings and bounded on Kisame, towering the seated man who was hunched in front of several computer screens.

"Is he at school?" Itachi snapped.

"No, his college is currently on break. Three weeks actually." Kisame noted.

"Is he out of the country?"

"No, he's still in Konoha—"

Kisame started, and he was about to explain but Itachi shot on with another question.

"Is he dead?"

"No, that's—"

"Has he been raped?"

"_No_—"

"Has his corpse been found? Did he buy anything with his credit card? Was he spotted anywhere? Is he living in a cardboard box under a bridge because he knows how much I hate filth and wouldn't dare—"

"FUCKING NO ITACHI!" Kisame bellowed while jolting out of his seat, and turning to face Itachi.

This time he towered the other male. And Itachi could only look blankly at the man. Honestly, Itachi wondered what was the blue man's problem?

"Are you still upset about losing an audition to join the Blue Man group?" Itachi questioned, squinting at Kisame.

The man sputtered while blushing, "NO! That was like ten fucking years ago!"

"Well then why did you call me over here?" Itachi complained.

At this point, a tiny voice was encouraging Kisame to choose any item in the room and off himself with it, or better yet, the maddening Uchiha standing before him.

"If you didn't continuously keep asking dumb, shitty-ass questions, then I would've gotten to the bottom of it!" Kisame half-screamed in Itachi's face.

Itachi huffed, narrowing his eyes, "I'm not paying you to blame others for your own misdoings and stupidity, I want answers! Where's my precious baby?"

Kisame nearly groaned, feeling that familiar twitching sensation he always had when he was on the verge of choking someone blue. That's right, Kisame thought, he'd choke Itachi till he was Blue, and then audition his Uchiha ass for the Blue Man group.

"Ahem," came a cough, snapping Kisame from his thoughts.

Both Kisame and Itachi turned their faces towards the direction of said cough. Standing in his utmost pristine was none other than Uzumaki Nagato, crisp tan coat on one arm, and hair neatly cropped on head while smiling (eyes closed and all) with such chilling elegance that would make a grown man weep with fear.

"I see I've come at a reasonable time." Nagato said before being jumped by Itachi (more like Itachi suddenly popping his personal bubble, and rubbing circles on Nagato's cheek, reassuring himself he was real).

"My little messenger, you've finally returned! I've been miserable without you. That wretched winch you—"

"I know, Kisame told me everything." Nagato said.

He clasped a hand on Itachi's and opened his eyes to reveal calm, wise purple eyes. He then removed his superior's hand and turned to look at Kisame.

"I believe you had something to share with the _class_, Kisame." Nagato spoke.

Now every member of Akatsuki stopped their work, and was watching what was happening amongst the three men.

"Y-yeah," Kisame sputtered before turning to look at the screen.

Clicking some buttons, Kisame caused the largest of the computer screens to pop up a name with information on it.

"I found out that Sasuke was last seen hanging around an elementary school." Kisame began.

He did more clicking a picture of the elementary school appeared with a (surprisingly) well-disguised Sasuke sitting under a tree, on a bench, watching children run around playing in a playground.

"What in seven hells?" Itachi gasped.

As far as he knew, his brother thought children were the spawns of demons set out to destroy the world, and make him celibate for life.

"Yeah, that's exactly what I though, as I was saying though, gathering more information from my sources, I found out from one of my trackers that Sasuke has been seen coming and going from the elementary school with a blonde _male_ companion."

"I've also had someone on the inside, and they easily gave me the name of that man. He's name is Uzumaki Naruto."

By then Itachi was already shaking with rage at the mention of a male companion (and of all things, a _blonde_), but now he was nearly bursting with anger.

"UZUMAKI?" Itachi screeched at the top of his lungs.

He whirled on his personal assistant, and snarled at him. Livid beyond imagine, Itachi could hardly believe his beautiful Nagato was a traitorous bi—

"I prefer you don't refer to me as a female dog, it's highly insulting. And as for your brother, I knew nothing of this. However, I do know an Uzumaki Naruto. He is my cousin, twice removed. I haven't spoken to him in quite some time though."

At this, Itachi settled down, and once again realized that somehow and someway, someone yet again managed to read his mind (completely oblivious to the fact he had been talking aloud), He really need to find a way to prevent these fools from infiltrating his mind, maybe that unfashionable contraption that that blonde, speech impediment weirdo wore prevented such nuances.

Of course, all that was beside the point as Itachi had a rather distressing matter to deal with. Was Nagato a bitch ass traitor?

"I want you to swear on Mr. Snuggle-Muffins grave!" Itachi hissed.

Nagato sighed (it was apparent this wasn't his first time swearing on the dead thing) before raising one hand up, and solemnly swearing Mr. Snuggle-Muffins (he was Itachi's beloved cat until Sasuke drowned the poor thing, by accident or not, in their bathtub. He was 13 at the time and Sasuke 6) that he had nothing to do or knew anything about Sasuke's disappearance, location, and sexual endeavors.

Silence prevailed after the declaration while Itachi staggered back, thoroughly exhausted, and slightly relieved. He didn't think he could handle Nagato betraying him, and he was at least thankful Sasuke was alive and apparently healthy.

Kindly enough the blonde bimbo that Itachi finally recognized as Deidara pushed a seat behind him to catch his fall.

Bending over, Itachi tapped his foot while the other occupants remained silent and awaiting their leader's orders.

"Kisame," Itachi eventually said while raising his head up.

"Yes, Itachi-san?" Kisame questioned.

"Do we have an address?"

"Actually…no."

Itachi snapped his head in Kisame's direction. The man paled a bit and pursed his lips before scratching the back of his head nervously.

"You see… Uzumaki Naruto isn't on the grid, sir. In fact, if it weren't for his job at Konoha Elementary, we wouldn't have even gotten his name."

"And why is he not filed, tracked, whatever it is the government likes to do to people?" Itachi screeched once again, now standing on his toes and furious.

"I can explain that one." Nagato offered. "His grandmother works in up in the magistrate and his mother is a severely paranoid woman due to her husband's spontaneous death many years ago (he died of drinking fucking eggnog). So with permission from the daimyo (and many connections), they were wiped off the grid."

Itachi couldn't have been more furious than he was now. How could someone have more connections then he did in the government?

"FUCKING HELL!" Itachi screamed causing all his employees to jump back as if whiplashed.

It wasn't everyday that the highly composed Uchiha went ape-shit…

So okay, he went ape-shit everyday in the sense of wanting to rule the world, or killing people, but not like this. Not out of control like this.

"Nagato," Itachi breathed heavily as he wobbled to his assistant. "I need it now. I-I needs i-it now. Now, Nagato!"

Blinking, Nagato scored his brain trying to register what his boss desired before his brain finally clicked all his neurons together.

Unfortunately though, Nagato had the intentions of bringing what Itachi currently desired from the man's kitchen, but that had not been the case.

"I'm afraid, Itachi-san, you are out of Nutella." Nagato said.

Itachi looked wide-eyed at Nagato, "WHAT?"

"My apologize, sir, but I will buy you some as soon as possible. However, I did find a note in your secret stash pantry, mind you the Nutella was gone from there too." Nagato continued.

Pulling from his shirt pocket, he handing the yellow post-it note to Itachi. Shakily, the half-crazed Uchiha looked at the neatly scrawled writing of his beloved baby brother.

'_Although I fucking hate sweets, I knew this would piss you royally. So I swiped your stash of shitty Nutella and have every fucking intention of using the shit on my fat dick and shoving said dick down my boy-toy's throat before shoving it up his sweet, tight ass hole. _

_Sexily not yours,_

_Uchiha FUCKING ASS HOLE EVERY DAY Sasuke'_

Oh Sasuke, Sasuke, Itachi thought as he crumpled the paper in his hand, a murderous aura radiating from him. Two of his dearest things, Sasuke and Nutella combined but unfortunately being corrupted by a blonde cocksucking whore.

Oh Sasuke, Sasuke, how the list of Itachi crafted punishments reached 32, and Itachi would enjoy dealing out each and every one of those punishments because he had only one thing on his mind to this second challenge that Sasuke issued:

Bitch, it was on like Titty Kong.

"Uh, I believe the expression is Diddy Kong, un." Deidara intervened.

Having that be the last straw for Uchiha Itachi, he whirled on the poor blonde and exploded in his face.

"SILENCE YOU MIND READING FOOL!"

* * *

*That alliteration was not taken word for word, but it is from Harry Potter and the Half-Blooded Prince. All rights belong to J. K. Rowling.

**Please review, and thank you for reading.**


	2. House 2356

**A/N: **Ohayo! Whazzaup? Anyways, here is the long awaited ch. 2! Yayayayayaya! I had a little more caffeine then necessary today, but that's beside the point. Thank you so much for the reviews, and thanks even to those who just found themselves reading this story. I didn't expect much feedback since this was a bit...crazy, but I'm glad for the feedback I got, it was very comforting, and inspiring for me. :D

I shall message those that I can personally thanking them for the reviews, I haven't gotten around to it because I've been having severe family drama, and other problems to do with life. *sigh*, why can't I just live in a cave as a hermit...well, I'd need internet and lots of good food, but I'd be one happy camper! Er, okay so I digress, anyways, I hope you enjoy this chapter. I actually wasn't too fond with it, but I'll live. In the end, it's what you readers think that matters the most!

**Disclaimer: I do not own or claim any of the characters in this story. All rights reserved, copyright, trademark, etc., to Masashi Kisihimoto and his creative genius. Arigatou gozaimasu.**

**Warning: Crack-ish (forgot to put that in ch. 1), crude language, lemon (sort of), yaoi, etc., and typos or grammatical errors (here and there).**

**(BY THE WAY, I apologize if the mini-lemon down there isn't all that, I'm not use to writing explicit stuff...haha, I think I need some training in that regard).**

* * *

Chapter Two: House #2356

Itachi looked calmly at the photos spread out across his desk. He wasn't really looking at them though, his thoughts lost to a world of his own. He was thinking about his beautiful, baby brother.

He was thinking about Sasuke's pale features, and dark hair. The way his baby brother crinkled his nose when he found something the least bit amusing.

The way he would offer a small smile if he found one of Itachi's jokes funny (because he would adamantly refuse that he could find humor in anything involving Itachi).

It was just the little things though that had Itachi so wound up, and enamored by his dearest little one. And the more that Itachi divulged in his thoughts of his most beloved, the more a certain evil, blond-haired male with damnable bluest, blue eyes would pop up.

How could this vulture ensnare his brother's heart? Not to mention that (thanks to the brilliant mind of his dear Nagato) he found out the spineless Uzumaki was 7 years Sasuke's senior.

The bastard was nothing but a verminous pedophile.

_Bastard!_

"Itachi-san," Nagato interrupted his internal monologue. "If you worry you lip in longer, you may tear a hole through it. Lest you want to go back to that plastic surgeon again, I suggest you refrain from chewing any further."

Itachi tsk'd in return, but did follow through with Nagato's suggestion. He wasn't about to spend another hundred thousand yen on some no-named practitioner of plastic.

The last one he made his lips blow up like a fish, and for weeks he had to hide in his manor with Sasuke's mocking laugh haunting his every wake.

The only reason he even had the mad idea to go and get a lip filling though was because he had overheard Sasuke mentioning he liked full lips.

And as much as Itachi liked to deny, the Uchiha's had one genetic problem (more like several) and that was they were all a very thin-lipped clan.

No one was even known to have ever had full lips, and by God, Itachi would be damned if he would lose to such a stupid genetic slip.

Although, Itachi did admit that after he found out one of Sasuke's preferences, he hadn't immediately thought of trying to change his lips.

He had been watching an episode of _Nip/Tuck _when the idea slapped in the face. In the end, not so surprisingly, after he healed up, he was back to his thin-lipped self.

"You're doing it again," Nagato interrupted his inner musings once more.

It was beginning to annoy Itachi. He enjoyed a heavy dosage of internal monologue every once in a while, and when he didn't get it, he would be cranky (not that Uchiha's get cranky, ever).

"I'm thinking very importantly here, Nagato. Please keep you opinions to yourself," Itachi snapped.

Nagato only offered a chilling smile, "Yes, I did notice that. If that vein protruding from your forehead was any indication, I'd say you were about to bust a blood vessel."

Itachi pursed his lips into a fine line and glared heatedly at the man who sat on the couch. Only Nagato would have the galls to actually talk back to him in such a way.

It's wonder why he put up with it, but he supposed it was refreshing to have someone not cower before him all the time.

They were currently in Itachi's office of the Uchiha Corps. And the not-so-young businessman was being confined to his work.

If it were up to him though, he would be out there with Kisame as of now, hunting his brother's tracks.

Unfortunately, Nagato had _forbidden_ his participation in the search.

Now Itachi was not afraid of Nagato by any means, he just knew when to not step into a pile of shit when he saw one. His personal assistant was honestly a piece of work when he was angry. More so than him, and that was something to talk about.

"How much longer must I stay here?" Itachi inquired impatiently.

He was so bored (not he would say that out loud, Uchiha's were never bored, it was beneath them).

And the only thing that stopped him from jumping out of his chair, and running for the door were the pictures on his desk, and the frequent pings that came from his phone.

Kisame was to update him every 15 minutes about the mission. It would have been every minute if someone didn't _forbid_ that too.

"So long as you have duties of a president to uphold, you'll be here for sometime," Nagato finally said after some moments of silence.

He wasn't looking at Itachi though, opting to scan through the tablet on his lap. Itachi frowned at this, and slumped over his desk.

It wasn't a un-Uchiha-ish out of character slump (because Itachi refused to admit that he occasionally, and only in private, slipped into deplorable behavior) it was just a slump.

"Look, you have a meeting in 10 minutes," Nagato said.

He stood up from his seat, tablet still in hand, and occupying his divided attention. Itachi only snorted before starting to lightly bang his table on the desk.

"Honestly," Nagato began as he looked up and refrained from rolling his eyes when they landed on Itachi. "Quit acting like a petulant child, and behave like an adult. You have responsibilities—"

"But my adorable, baby is in the hands of a sexual monster. He may be manhandled this very second!" Itachi snapped (more like wailed, but Uchiha's don't wail).

"Last I recall, Naruto wasn't one to be of a sexual nature. He was always honest and pure, a bit naïve actually. Not too bright as well," Nagato said.

Placing a finger on his chin, he's frowned, "To be honest, he was more of a wimp as far as I saw. If anybody should be worried about it should be him, not Sasuke."

Itachi grunted in annoyance, lifting his head up, and glaring on full at Nagato. He _absolutely_ did not like what Nagato was implying about his precious brother.

"Are you saying Sasuke is…is…impure?" he barely whispered, eyes narrowing as Nagato titled his head further to side, rubbing his chin.

"Yes…I believe that is what I am saying," Nagato shrugged, "I'm not surprised you don't see it, even though I blind could tell from a mile a while that Sasuke is a complete sexual deviant."

"What?"

"I even suspect that Sasuke most likely initiated the relationship with Naruto. Naruto has always been the gullible type, for instance his brother tricked him into eating squirrel feces by telling him they were _Raisinets_.

If you ask me, Naruto most likely had been duped into something that Sasuke suggested. Had no idea what he was getting into because he has never been one to back from a challenge, and found himself thoroughly debauched by the end of the day."

And Nagato didn't stop there. For the entire 10 minutes prior to Itachi's meeting, Nagato continued on with his theories of how Sasuke "supposedly" pursued his cousin and the more he went on, the more explicit the details became.

It was safe to say, said Uchiha was sputtering protests of defense to the accusations of his baby brother, while at the same time trying not to get hard at thinking of all the _naughty_ things Nagato said Sasuke was most likely doing with Naruto.

_Things _Sasuke should be doing with him instead.

* * *

"GET AWAY FROM ME!"

The screeching sound came from inside a small, two-story house. This house had a nice picket fence, in your good ol'unoriginal neighborhood.

Of course, this neighborhood, with its many suburban families could have done without the owner of house, 2356 S. Rasengan Ave.

"Oh my God! What part of no do you not fucking understand?" said a very male, and very disturbed voice.

Much more composed than before, and equipped with the tall-tell signs of anger. Inside the nice home lived a humble kindergarten teacher by the name of Uzumaki Naruto.

The man was a sweet, loving man who often could be seen walking his dog, Jiraiya, or gardening in his backyard with his pet toad, Gamabunta (Bun-Bun, for short).

However, this usually kid-loving, peace-loving, animal-loving individual was now a fire-breathing, hotheaded, and angry little man (and yes, he was little for a man as he barely shot pass 5'7").

"I said, no, you bastard!"

Some glass shattering, wood splintering sounds were heard. There were several curses that came about as well before a _thump, thump, thump _and then momentary silence.

For a moment, the old couple that lived next door, Utatane Koharu and her husband Mitokado Homura who were currently hedging their front, thought that the worse might have happened.

"ARRGH! YOU BASTARD!"

And then the ruckus started up again. The old couple went back to their business, ever mindful though of the loud noises coming from next door.

Koharu-san remembered the first time she had heard the loud shouts, and heard the tall signs of things being thrown around. It was nearly three years ago that she remembered dialing 911.

What a spectacle it was, when they cops came blundering through at the word that Koharu-san had thought someone was being murdered next door at 2356.

Not much crime ever occurred in the small suburb, so it was no surprise that almost every neighbor had filed out of their house to see several cop cars haphazardly parked on Uzumaki's lawn.

Then in the next instant, a tall, dark-haired (and very naked might she add) male was tumbling out of the house, a bag thrown at his head, and all the cops that were hiding behind open doors, guns raised and ready, nearly fainted.

Who would have thought that the youngest heir of Uchiha Corps. was involved in a rather, scandalous affair with an older male. Who would have thought that Uzumaki was such a perverse man?

Preying on younger men.

Which brought her to recall the next thing that happened which was policeman after policeman tearing into Uzumaki's house, while the few that stayed behind tried to comfort the _frightened_ Uchiha.

So out comes a shorter, tan male (not as naked, but only in boxers) cuffed, and slapped with a charge of sexually assaulting a minor amongst many other charges the police were shooting off.

Shaking her head though, Koharu-san never really understood the relationship between Uzumaki and the youngest Uchiha.

The boy was apparently 19 now, and back then when Uzumaki arrested, the Uchiha had some how charmed Uzumaki's charges away, and managed to settle the matter out on the front lawn of 2356 in a manner of minutes.

That boy was definitely the one who started their relationship (whatever it was), and was definitely the less _innocent_ of the two.

"GET AWAAAAAAAAY!"

There was a loud squeal, then a _thump_, and then another squeal before it became silent.

Koharu-san blinked a couple of times as she turned and glanced at the second story of 2356. She supposed the game of cat and mouse was finally done and over with.

"When do you think he's going to finally stop fighting him?" said her husband, Homura-san. "You'd think he'd learn by now since they go through the same thing everyday, and the little fellow always loses."

Koharu-san blushed and scowled at her husband, "What goes on in that house is none of our business, Homura. And I'd like to keep it that way."

"But, Koharu-koi, Uzumaki-san makes enough noise to be a porn—"

"Don't you dare say it!"

"But—"

"I haven't heard any licentious noises and I will not—"

"OHHH SASSS"

At this, Koharu-san froze, her face rivaling the color of her flowers that hung in a pot on her porch. Homura-san offered her a snarky look before grinning like a mad man.

"Honey," he purred (or well tried to), and sauntered over to his wife, dropping his bush clippers.

"How about I go take my blue pill, and we get up to no—"

"You insufferable, old coot!" Koharu-san shouted before flinging her little shovel at her husband and storming inside.

Yes, Koharu-san could say she was use to the on goings of house numbered 2356, but at the same time she didn't like it one bit. Especially since three weeks ago when the Uchiha decided to suddenly _move in_ and life for her had turned from simplistic and quiet to hell in a matter of seconds.

It was if they're sexual escapades in house 2356 was rubbing off on everyone else.

This would make attempt number 13 that her husband, Homura-san, tried and failed to get her into _bedding_ him.

* * *

"Ahhh…nggh…" Naruto moaned wantonly as the hands below him worked their magic.

He refused to open his as and refrained himself from grimacing when he felt a cool tongue lick all the chocolate goodness that was smeared on his chest.

"You fucker," Naruto breathed.

Sasuke only chuckled before his mouth moved across chocolate covered, tan skin, torching the cells underneath and then said mouth latched onto a whipped cream smeared nipple.

"Nnngghhh…. Damn you…and…your…stupid kinks-AH" Naruto gasped.

Not that he'd admit it, but he was slowly breaching cloud nine with the way Sasuke's hand worked his hard, weeping cock in a fury of strokes. The other hand was sneakily engaging in probing his still stretched and _sore _entrance.

They had done it at least three times since they woke up that day, and it was pissing Naruto off. Yet somehow, someway, Sasuke would get the upper hand, and Naruto would find himself being pounded into oblivion once _again_.

"Fuck," Naruto cursed when those wonderful fingers slithered away.

"Fuck is right, dobe," Sasuke said after removing his mouth from Naruto's swollen, and abused nipple.

It was then that Naruto had opened his blue eyes just in time to see Sasuke lewdly lick his lips, removing any traces left of the Nutella and whip cream he had just lavished on.

And to say in the very least, it fucking turned Naruto **on.**

Why was he blessed and cursed with such a hot, sex manic boyfriend?

Before Naruto could think more on that, he was jolted from his thoughts by a swift, hard thrust. He arched his back and mouth opened wide to let out a pleasured filled scream.

Oh, if the neighbors didn't know what was going on already, they'd know now.

Sasuke didn't even waste time to let Naruto adjust and began drilling his for oil, thrusting quick and hard into Naruto's lethal body.

Naruto barely could get a grip on his computer desk in the office room of his home.

His students' horrible scrawled homework was strewn all over the floor, objects laid about broken from their previous quarrel. Naruto wouldn't lie when he said that angry sex was good.

It was **fucking awesome**.

"Nnngghhh, harder, Sasuke!" Naruto moaned.

And thankfully, Sasuke seemed to have decided against his usually, 'Make-Naruto-Beg-For-It' routine, and began thrusting harder.

In and out, in and out, the sounds of skin slapping skin echoed in Naruto's ears. He leaned back further, moving his arms behind him to grip the table, and arching when Sasuke finally hit that wonderful spot inside him.

"OHHH SASSS"

It wasn't much longer before Naruto found himself shooting his load, and white exploding across his field of vision.

His muscles contracted, and he could barely hear Sasuke's own appreciative moan as he came inside Naruto, heavily.

He was screaming to loud to even hear himself.

As they finally started coming down from their sexual high, Naruto made due note to beat the crap out of Sasuke for making him destroy his office room.

Although it was _his_ fault for flinging things at Sasuke in the first place, he justified that it was Sasuke's fault for making him fling those things in the first place.

"Teme…" Naruto finally said after he could breath properly.

The Uchiha grunted in response, slumped over Naruto's body. Naruto tried to push the younger male off him, but he ended up sliding his hands down a sweaty chest.

"I'm going to kill you later," Naruto said as if it were something of a simple matter, "And if I find a ounce of come on any of my students papers, I'm going to resurrect you, and then kill you again."

Sasuke snorted, leaning back to look into Naruto's half-lidded, blue eyes.

It was then, only a minute later that he was pulling out of Naruto, and running out of the room like a bat out of hell.

There were varying levels of Naruto's anger and Sasuke knew when it was time for him to hid in the 'man cave' till the cost was clear. And that cave just so happened to be Homura-san's backyard shed, which actually hid a nifty bunker he had underground.

Surprisingly, Sasuke found that the old fool was a pretty cool dude to hang around, especially when Naruto was in one of his _moods_.

* * *

_The Next Day—_

Sasuke was fairly sure he was dreaming. Then again, considering the circumstances, he should say he was having a nightmare. A terrifying and unrelenting _nightmare_ that would just never end, never stop.

It was most definitely Naruto's form of revenge on him. Karma was coming back to bite him in the butt for the sake of his blonde lover.

"Oi, hand me that over there."

Sasuke scowled at the person wedged next to him. He was cramped inside the Kindergarten toy closet with the last person he had wanted to deal with (not including Itachi).

Inuzuka Kiba and he were in a rather strange predicament that Sasuke just wanted someone to slap him awake from.

"You get it." He snarled.

"I would if I could get my arm over your fat, ugly head!"

Honestly, Sasuke didn't see why he had to suffer with this oaf. Kiba was the one who had started everything, instigated the stupid little riot, and he should be the one tormented by it all. Yet somehow, Sasuke, per usual (when it came to things involving certain idiots), would be at the wrong place at the wrong time and be dragged into the fray.

He relented though. Kiba might actually know a way to get out of the closet, which was the only thing Sasuke was really concerned with. So he reached over to grab the object Kiba so desired.

"What the fuck is this?" Sasuke asked once he handed the toy to Kiba.

The man just smirked at him before cracking the door of the closet ever so quietly, and peering out into the classroom.

"Bait, man, bait."

Before Sasuke could even ask what on earth he meant by that, Kiba immediately slammed the closet door wide open, garnering the attention of 25 Kindergarteners, and flinging the object across the room.

The little five year olds watched in awe as a cute stuffed, fluffy brown bear went sailing through the air, landing on the opposite side of the room. Not a moment too soon, and children went screeching and running towards the toy.

"That's are cue to run for it." Kiba said though it wasn't necessary.

Sasuke had put two and two together before the stuffed animal went flying, and was already out of the room. Kiba barely kept up with the young Uchiha.

"Jackass, you could've waited for me." Kiba yelled from behind Sasuke.

The Uchiha only offered a grunt, and if Kiba understood Uchiha language, he'd know it meant that Sasuke didn't give a flying fuck.

Rounding the corner into another hall, Sasuke and Kiba took a breather, slumping on lockers and clutching their knees. It wasn't such a great idea though as eerie battle cries could be heard from down the hall.

The bait only lasted for few seconds.

"You've got to be fucking me," Sasuke grounded, eyes wide as he heard the sounds of little footsteps coming closer.

Kiba swallowed, "Oh shit, we better run for—"

A flash of red hair appeared before them, green-menacing eyes that belonged to a kid with a yellow hoodie, and off-white shorts glared harshly at them. Hands on hips, the little boy's brown boating shoes made a disturbing tapping rhythm on the floor.

"Think you can get away?" the boy asked.

Sasuke returned the kid's glare full force and was half tempted to pick the kid up, and chuck him down the other hallway. Kiba, on the other hand, paled and was looking everywhere for an escape route. More kids came though, and began to form a barricade around them.

"Look, runt, I don't know what's your little problem, but get out of my way," Sasuke said.

He leveled the kid with an even more chilling look. He refused to be threatened by some munchkin that barely could pass for a three year old. This kid had no idea who he was messing with. He was an Uchiha for crying out loud! A fucking Uchiha who got what he wanted, whenever he fucking wanted it.

And what he wanted right now was to—

"I know what you're thinking," the little red head said tauntingly. "You're thinking about hitting me, you thinking about how you're so tough and all that stupid stuff adults think they could do, well you better think twice. If you do anything to me, I'll tell on you."

Sasuke let out a dark chuckle, "Oh, I'm so scared. Let me go cry to my mommy."

The boy's face-hardened well aware that Sasuke was mocking him.

"Yo, duck-butt, I wouldn't taunt the kid if I were you." Kiba hissed, but the moment he spoke, a kid standing behind him poked him in the back with a yard stick in his hand.

"What the heck?" Kiba snapped as he turned to look at the small child.

"Don't talk unless Gaara-kun says you can," the kid said, his pale eyes narrowing.

Sasuke rolled his eyes as Kiba only could gape like a fish at the kid who continuously prodded him with the yardstick.

"It's fine, Neji-kun," the redhead (AKA Gaara-kun) said.

Smiling though, he fancied Sasuke with a 'You-Are-Some-Stupid-Shit' look and crossed his little arms over his chest.

"You sure you shouldn't be scared right now." Gaara continued.

Sasuke smirked before squatting down so he really could be at the kid's level.

"What could a little shit like you do to me?" he challenged.

Gaara's smile only served to stretch further before he turned around, and pushed through his little posse.

Sasuke's eyes narrowed as he watched the kid start walking calmly down the opposite hall. At the end of the hall, Sasuke was well aware that the doors to the playground were there and currently the 1st graders and 2nd graders were having their recess.

Gaara turned back slightly, cocking his head to the side and giving Sasuke the most devious look that a five year old could ever make.

It was then, as the child began to open his mouth that Sasuke realized he had just stepped in shit and was about to be buried in it.

"NARUTO-SENSEI! TASUKETE!" the child screeched at the top of his lungs, before hi-tailing it towards the double doors of the playground.

And that just so happened to be where Naruto was.

"Shit!" Sasuke scowled as he knocked little brats like bowling pins out of his way.

"Stop him, guys," Neji, the one with the yardstick, hollered before also indicating a pudgy finger towards Kiba. "And take this poopy head down!"

Battle cries emerged from the wannabe hoodlums, and Kiba let out a startling scream as they began to climb over him and start taking loads of play-doe from their pocket, and stuff it into the man's mouth.

The other children charged after Sasuke as he bounded for Gaara, narrowly missing him when Gaara slipped out the door, and unfortunately, Sasuke slammed face first into it.

Battle cries thus receded as the tall Uchiha staggered back before fall on his ass, out cold.

"Well that was easy," one child said.

Neji pushed past them and looked down at Sasuke's now bloody handsome face, and poked his poor head with the stick.

"The beast has been taken down!"

Cheers erupted from the little ones before Neji gestured to them. "Calm down, my fellow classmates, fate is with us today. We need to tie them up—"

A child shot up his hand, preventing Neji from talking, and insistently waved it. Sighing, Neji nodded to the kid to talk.

"Yes, Ino-chan?"

The girl with bright blue eyes, jumped up and down excitedly. She threw up her hand that held a pink marker in it, and gestured wildly with it.

"After we tie them up, can we color on their faces?" Ino chirped.

This seemed to cause a rumble of agreement and discussion as the other five year olds looked to Neji for an answer.

The boy frowned at first, looking between Sasuke's unconscious body and the squirming idiot down the hall who was now securely tied down by roped shoelaces.

"Alright, I suppose it's okay, but first, let's get them into the secret room before the other teachers find us out here!"

Cheers erupted once more, before a couple of children came down the hall with a trolley. It took many efforts of course to push the two men onto to the trolley, especially with Kiba trying to resist.

However, they managed it, and were bounding down the hallway, chanting small mantras of victory.

The only thing Kiba could do is pray that someone would find him.

* * *

"I know he's cheating on you. He just screams cheating asshole." Sakura barked from her side of the table.

Naruto, on the other hand, couldn't help but role his eyes. This was the conversation he had heard almost every fucking day of his life since working at Konoha Elementary.

"I'm sure he's just a little busy. I mean the with the way the economy is—"

"Excuses, excuses," Sakura brushed off.

At this point, Naruto scowled at Sakura before patting a firm hand on TenTen's back. The poor girl would come to school and Sakura would jump on her the moment she could about how her boyfriend was a 'man-whore'.

It was plainly obvious to Naruto that Sakura was jealous that TenTen even caught the attention of said 'man-whore' and was dating him.

It was the same way when Sakura had found out about his relationship with Sasuke

"Leave her alone, Sakura-chan. She's been through a previous tough relationship and now she's finally found a nice guy. Quite making it seem like he's douchebag number 23." Naruto said.

Sakura offered him a sneer, "Sorry that some people have a more realistic view of the world. How's pedophilia going for you anyway?"

Naruto refused to fall for her taunt, and he had gotten enough remarks from his other colleagues. The fact still remained that Sasuke was a legal adult as of two years ago (disregard their one year of…not being legal) and therefore his and Sasuke's relationship was completely acceptable.

"It's going well actually. You should try it some time you know, dating younger men. Then again, with your eggs getting dusty down there, those young fellas might not be so interested."

TenTen could only gap at Naruto while Sakura's face reddened. Naruto flashed her a cheeky grin before pulling up from the table, and walking off.

He honestly couldn't stand the pink-haired woman, but unfortunately he had recess duty with her and TenTen this week. He would much rather be watching over his Kindergartners instead though.

However, thanks to Lee breaking his leg last week while trying to show an overzealous amount of youthfulness by climbing the newly installed, extremely odd-looking monkey bars, he had to be shuffled over onto recess duty.

Then there was the fact that Naruto never liked to leave his class in anyone's care but his own. It was a well-known fact that Naruto's teaching style was completely different from everyone else's.

Speaking of which, Naruto wondered how his young lover was doing watching the children. He'd usually ask Sai but the other male had to make it to a doctor's appointment.

Which led Naruto to his other thought, where the fuck was Kiba?

He had sent the moron a little over thirty minutes ago to check on Sasuke, and return back to fill him in on whether the Uchiha was okay or not.

"I guess if you want something done, you better do it yourself…" Naruto grumbled under his breath.

For a few more moments, Naruto stood while watching and listening to the children scream and laugh with glee while playing. That was when, from his peripheral vision, he saw the school doors open and a little redhead come running his way.

Turning on his heel quickly, Naruto kneeled down just in time to catch the little fireball into his arms.

"Gaara-kun, what are you doing out here?" Naruto asked.

The small redheaded shyly looked up and gave Naruto a cute little frown. Naruto inwardly warmed at the sight. Though concerned, he still couldn't help but find any of the expressions that Gaara would make extremely cute.

"It's terrible, Naruto-sensei. Just terrible," Gaara cried.

Naruto blinked before frowning, "What did Sasuke do?"

Gaara mentally smirked as he watched Naruto's eyes narrow as he began to recant the horrid tales of the evil 'Dr. Duck-butt', and his sidekick 'Doggy-boy Wonder'.

All the while, Naruto absorbed every sugarcoated lie that Gaara was feeding him. He nearly busted a blood vessel when the kid was down before hefting the child into his arms, and standing up abruptly.

"Come on, Gaara," Naruto said, "I'll deal with this personally. I'm sorry you had to go through that."

Gaara offered Naruto a small smile, "It's okay, sensei, I'm just glad I was able to get to you."

On that note, Naruto began to walk towards the school, not even bothering to let the other two teachers know he was leaving. It wasn't a big deal really, honestly didn't need him to watch the kids.

Although, as Naruto neared the doors and opened them, he couldn't help but get the weird feeling he was being watched.

Throwing a glance over his shoulder at the fenced off street, he frowned but then brushed it off. He had more important things to worry about, such as a damn, asshole of a boyfriend who was terrorizing his students.

He should have known better to leave children with Sasuke of all people.

* * *

"This is so lame, un," Deidara said from his seat next to Kisame.

Kisame, on the other hand, refrained from rolling his eyes. It wasn't like he found this any more exciting then his blonde partner.

"I don't get why we have to spy, yeah." He continued, "Why can't we just leave the little 'Chiha be?"

"Are you serious?" Kisame asked as he turned to look incredulously at Deidara.

The blonde shrugged his shoulders, "So you saying you wanted to stalk this blonde fella?"

The binoculars in Kisame's hand suddenly felt heavier than they were. He wanted to punch Deidara right about now, but he supposed reporting that to Itachi would not be good.

"Listen," Kisame started. "I don't like doing this anymore than you do, but Itachi-san wants us to do it. Nagato ordered us to. So whether either of us want to or not, we are stuck."

"Unless you've got the balls to tell Itachi-san to shove it up his pale ass."

Deidara made a face at Kisame before crossing his arms. He would admit that he was little crazy (not as crazy-assed as Hidan though). But he was smart enough to know when not to cross Uchiha Itachi. Any little thing could set the man off if last week was any indication.

"Fine, just…" Deidara frowned as he looked over Kisame. "He's heading back inside."

Kisame blinked before turning backing, and then looking into his binoculars, "Yeah he is, must be something since he's got a kid in his arms."

"So far we have yet to spot little 'Chiha, ya known, un," Deidara said. "We've only got that picture to indicate he's been here, but even then, it didn't really look like him, yeah."

What Deidara said was true. They hadn't seen Sasuke for a week, and they were beginning to wonder if he was really here at all. Maybe the blonde had no relation to the Uchiha after all?

Kisame pursed his lips.

He didn't waste his time sitting and smelling like sweaty socks, and ruining his car with hotdog wrappers and ketchup stains. Sasuke was _there_, in that school, he just knew it.

"It'll only be a matter of time."

* * *

_Thank you for reading, and please review! :D_


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